Archive for the ‘Agony’ Category

I can not remember a time when I wasn’t there for him. He is the man that I have always wanted to love. He is strong, so much that he became indestructible. He has walls that I can’t come apart. I can’t even get in. One time, in my solitude, I thought of being his girl. But yet in my solitude, it permits me not. 

What is it with him that I am terrified of him? Why can’t I tell him just how much I adore him? 

He is not a typical guy who would hug you when you are sad. Not the man who would let you touch him when he is mad. He’s not the type of man who adores the simplest things you do. Certainly not the one sorry for his behavior. 

He is romantic in some way. In his own godless way. I cannot tell whether or not he likes me. One day, he’s sweet, the next day, he’s so cold. When he’s near, I can’t look at him. 

When he’s far, I can’t stop thinking about him. He is so much of a man that I have always wanted him to be but he is too selfish at times. Too selfish that he forgets that I, too, have feelings. 

I have forgotten what it’s like to be man-touched. Or be loved. Or be longed for. Or be cared for. He loves mystery so much that he became one (borrowed from Papertowns). I was trying not to care for him, at least for a day, but it’s hard not too. 

How can I not care for him when the word care for me tells me his name?

  

Before I even start, the title is not original but it tells everything about this blog. There’s this one girl, a very sound girl. Or not. She fell in love with a man ten years elder than her. It was actually an epic love tale. It all started as what they call a whirlwind love affair. The first time they met is not special because they encountered through a friend. Perhaps the timing was wrong. Or they were simply not meant to be.

So i’ll start.

June, 2012

It embarked on with a pen and a tissue. The man was really aggressive but don’t get me amiss. He was a genuinely funny guy. Whenever he talks, I laugh. It was like the first in forever that I ever laughed even in a very feeble joke. He’s not even straining to be funny. I have never thought that day, my life would alter forever. I will not try to explain what happened. But if I can delineate it, clearly, he was the prince who swept me off my feet. It was absolutely magical.

But just like every love story, it came through ups and down until one day, the fairy tale is over. Considerably, it wasn’t even very real to begin with.

Just like that…

“But when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak had to be strong enough to leave.” — Milan Kundera

Say Something I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something…

What a sad song.

I find peace when I don’t know what is..

I find hope when I can’t see light.

I find solitude when I am down.

IMG_5683.JPG

I told him.. Why do you have to be so beautiful?

He answered me, No, You are beautiful.

IMG_5490.JPG

It makes my heart skip a beat

It makes me weak

But

Why do I always fall for the wrong man?

I have never known that it’s possible to shut people out of our lives in a heartbeat..

..until it happened to me.

Nothing hurts like knowing he loves you but he can’t do something about it.
😦

Just another sad love song.

It’s ok to get mad sometimes.
It’s ok to feel lost somewhere.
It’s ok to curse somehow.
If only for a moment,
You feel the anguish of heart.

You just got to be so sure you won’t feel the same over and over for the same reason.

20140620-124659-46019760.jpg

20140610-032834-12514773.jpg

Ever had that feeling when you thought things are irreversible? And you get depressed and lonely.

Ever wonder why it didn’t work? You get broken and sad.
Ever made a fool of yourself and it’s irrevocable?

Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it’s stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you’re the problem and you can’t feel

Try this on, straightjacket feeling
So maybe I won’t be alone
Take back now, my life you’re stealing

Yesterday was hell
But today, I’m fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be
That face is tearing holes in me again

Trust you is just one defense
Off a list of others, you don’t make sense
Beg me time and time again
To take you back now, but you can’t win
Take back now, my life you’re stealing

Yesterday was hell
But today, I’m fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be
That face is tearing holes in me again

But today, I’m fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I’m holding on by letting go of you

And when that memory slips away
There will be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remains
And just the thought of you I fear
It falls away

20140610-002343-1423466.jpg
The ticket.

20140610-002427-1467818.jpg
The Food with the ticket.

So after days spent reading the book, The Fault in our Stars has finally come to life. Not that I am a big fan of tragedy or epic love story but I loved how the story made me believe in possibilities of forever. Forever doesn’t mean to be together always. But to be there with each other whatever comes.

The story of Augustus and Hazel Grace made me believe in love again.
Although I don’t have special someone to call. It made me feel special in my own way. This is an eye opener. A story that most people will embrace. Worth sharing.

It’s another story of love. Sickness. Depression. How two sick people love beyond any circumstances.

Indeed one of the best.

Here are some of the quotes from the book.

β€œYou don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world…but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

β€œThere are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars