Archive for the ‘Agony’ Category

3:40AM

So I have been awake for 4 hours and I could not get myself to sleep. I am trying not to make amends anymore or maybe stopping from still hoping to rekindle the lost flame. But I always wake up to still feeling there is actually hope.

Should I be basing this on Facebook where he still has me at his “In a relationship with” status? Or him only seeing my messages but no response whatsoever? The fact that he is still reading my messages makes me think that he is still interested in what I have to say.

I am no longer sure of what’s coming ahead of us both. I am not sure eithrr if I can still fight for it. I only wanted him to stay and fight with me. I love him louder and stronger than his demons. I know I am not stopping until he can tell me he does not love me anymore.

Maybe in my next entry, I will write about a man’s pride and what it really does to a relationship.

My God, help me. I need to be strong for the both of us.

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I wish I can find a way to unfeel what I am feeling. When you decided to leave, my whole world fell apart.

5:37PM

I had a conversation with a friend of ours today and knew that it was all planned since Saturday.

You leaving me powerless, defenseless, and senseless..

I can’t find a word to describe it. I wish you’d just burry me.

Burry me.

Burry me to the ground.

I couldn’t be any sadder than that.

2:15PM.

I don’t know what to write. I am not even sure where to start. A lot of thoughts are flooding my mind and it keeps repeating.

How can a man stay mad for too long? How did it ever gone to this? How hard is it to forgive? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

I could never cheat on anyone. It’s the type of mistake and wrong doing that I couldn’t live with. Knowing that you destroyed someone’s trust is bad, but destroying someone’s perspective on love is far worse.

To you,

I know we tend to be vulnerable at times. We are fragile even. It doesn’t change the fact that we can become powerful too.

First, I am sorry that I am hating you as of this writing. Because of you, the man I love has no believe in love and what joy it can bring to our lives. He would not believe in the goodness of having someone taking care of him. He is too mad and too strong. He is capable of not caring at all. He is selfish that it breaks my heart to pieces.

I may not know the reason why you left him. But it turned the man I love to something that gives pain into my chest. I know it isn’t fair to blame you, but you are still the reason why he would not trust again. 

Or maybe not.

I have been thinking about it lately. Maybe, it isn’t because of you that he doesn’t want to love again. Maybe, I am not the one who would make him feel alive again. Maybe, I am not enough for him.

Maybe, he meant well. Maybe, he was just too nice.

I was loving him in silence hoping that he’d wake up one day realizing that he loves me and everything is worth-risking. 

I can not remember a time when I wasn’t there for him. He is the man that I have always wanted to love. He is strong, so much that he became indestructible. He has walls that I can’t come apart. I can’t even get in. One time, in my solitude, I thought of being his girl. But yet in my solitude, it permits me not. 

What is it with him that I am terrified of him? Why can’t I tell him just how much I adore him? 

He is not a typical guy who would hug you when you are sad. Not the man who would let you touch him when he is mad. He’s not the type of man who adores the simplest things you do. Certainly not the one sorry for his behavior. 

He is romantic in some way. In his own godless way. I cannot tell whether or not he likes me. One day, he’s sweet, the next day, he’s so cold. When he’s near, I can’t look at him. 

When he’s far, I can’t stop thinking about him. He is so much of a man that I have always wanted him to be but he is too selfish at times. Too selfish that he forgets that I, too, have feelings. 

I have forgotten what it’s like to be man-touched. Or be loved. Or be longed for. Or be cared for. He loves mystery so much that he became one (borrowed from Papertowns). I was trying not to care for him, at least for a day, but it’s hard not too. 

How can I not care for him when the word care for me tells me his name?

  

Before I even start, the title is not original but it tells everything about this blog. There’s this one girl, a very sound girl. Or not. She fell in love with a man ten years elder than her. It was actually an epic love tale. It all started as what they call a whirlwind love affair. The first time they met is not special because they encountered through a friend. Perhaps the timing was wrong. Or they were simply not meant to be.

So i’ll start.

June, 2012

It embarked on with a pen and a tissue. The man was really aggressive but don’t get me amiss. He was a genuinely funny guy. Whenever he talks, I laugh. It was like the first in forever that I ever laughed even in a very feeble joke. He’s not even straining to be funny. I have never thought that day, my life would alter forever. I will not try to explain what happened. But if I can delineate it, clearly, he was the prince who swept me off my feet. It was absolutely magical.

But just like every love story, it came through ups and down until one day, the fairy tale is over. Considerably, it wasn’t even very real to begin with.

Just like that…

“But when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak had to be strong enough to leave.” — Milan Kundera

Say Something I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something…

What a sad song.

I find peace when I don’t know what is..

I find hope when I can’t see light.

I find solitude when I am down.

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I told him.. Why do you have to be so beautiful?

He answered me, No, You are beautiful.

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It makes my heart skip a beat

It makes me weak

But

Why do I always fall for the wrong man?

I have never known that it’s possible to shut people out of our lives in a heartbeat..

..until it happened to me.