Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

3:40AM

So I have been awake for 4 hours and I could not get myself to sleep. I am trying not to make amends anymore or maybe stopping from still hoping to rekindle the lost flame. But I always wake up to still feeling there is actually hope.

Should I be basing this on Facebook where he still has me at his “In a relationship with” status? Or him only seeing my messages but no response whatsoever? The fact that he is still reading my messages makes me think that he is still interested in what I have to say.

I am no longer sure of what’s coming ahead of us both. I am not sure eithrr if I can still fight for it. I only wanted him to stay and fight with me. I love him louder and stronger than his demons. I know I am not stopping until he can tell me he does not love me anymore.

Maybe in my next entry, I will write about a man’s pride and what it really does to a relationship.

My God, help me. I need to be strong for the both of us.

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I wish I can find a way to unfeel what I am feeling. When you decided to leave, my whole world fell apart.

5:37PM

I had a conversation with a friend of ours today and knew that it was all planned since Saturday.

You leaving me powerless, defenseless, and senseless..

I can’t find a word to describe it. I wish you’d just burry me.

Burry me.

Burry me to the ground.

I couldn’t be any sadder than that.

11:04PM.

When you decided to leave, it didn’t bother me anymore.

I am now being wise on choosing my battles and it is always best to stay calm and positive despite the challenges and stones being thrown at us.

We may not have the best love story, but ours is remarkable. Which is why it became my favorite.

8:52PM

I really want to know the rules of engagement. I want to know when I will be free from torment.

I am in between feelings of love and hate.

Part of me wants to go on and love him louder than his demons. Part of me wants to just accept that we’re done for good.

I remember a friend, he said:

Acceptance is better than fighting. If you keep putting up with a man who has no intentions on showing his love for you by being the first one to surrender in a fight, you’ll end up getting tired and soon, you will do what he’s doing. Gap will start to grow. Instead of you growing together, you grow apart. Let the man be. Let him go. When he find you in his alone time, he’ll pursue you.

That makes a lot of sense but can you blame a man for trying too hard?

2:15PM.

I don’t know what to write. I am not even sure where to start. A lot of thoughts are flooding my mind and it keeps repeating.

How can a man stay mad for too long? How did it ever gone to this? How hard is it to forgive? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

I could never cheat on anyone. It’s the type of mistake and wrong doing that I couldn’t live with. Knowing that you destroyed someone’s trust is bad, but destroying someone’s perspective on love is far worse.

To you,

I know we tend to be vulnerable at times. We are fragile even. It doesn’t change the fact that we can become powerful too.

First, I am sorry that I am hating you as of this writing. Because of you, the man I love has no believe in love and what joy it can bring to our lives. He would not believe in the goodness of having someone taking care of him. He is too mad and too strong. He is capable of not caring at all. He is selfish that it breaks my heart to pieces.

I may not know the reason why you left him. But it turned the man I love to something that gives pain into my chest. I know it isn’t fair to blame you, but you are still the reason why he would not trust again. 

Or maybe not.

I have been thinking about it lately. Maybe, it isn’t because of you that he doesn’t want to love again. Maybe, I am not the one who would make him feel alive again. Maybe, I am not enough for him.

Maybe, he meant well. Maybe, he was just too nice.

I was loving him in silence hoping that he’d wake up one day realizing that he loves me and everything is worth-risking. 

There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.

Sarah DessenThe Truth About Forever

This was captured in Botolan when we had our first ocular visit for our outreach program.

This is my first entry after hybernating forever. Anyways, this has nothing to do with travel or food. This is quite different because I am blogging about the things we [gino&I] fight about a lot.

1. Indifference. So have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has the same character as yours? I bet, most of you would answer “No.” So do I. In a span of 16 months, Gino and I would fight over some petty things because of our indiferrences. There were times when we were just talking and someone said something that makes one pretty upset and there you go, one shows lack of interest and no effort in talking things through. Sad life. Days go by without us talking. 

I hope this goes straight to his heart and mind.

2. Facebook App. Who wouldn’t feel hurt when the partner has got a lot of time with this f**ing unbelievable app? So insulting and disgusting. Like what the hell am I even here for?

3. Bossy. I tend to act like a boss to my boyfriend and I don’t even intend to. Sometimes, it just comes naturally. I feel guilty as soon as I realize that I am becoming too much you know. I wish he would understand that.

4. Mood swings. I am a woman and I go through hell when I am getting my period. So hell I share with someone who would get in the way. Since I am with him most of the time, he gets too much attention from me. But it isn’t the attention every man would wish to receive from the love of their lives. So this must be the third reason that made ME the problem in our relationship and brace yourselves as we go along. Lol.

Heroes evolve is such a new happening in our relationship.

5. Gaming. Competition. Okey. Let me be clear. We are playing these games because we want to. But there are days I get so irritated because it feels like he is competing instead of just enjoying the game with me. So whenever I hear him trash talking or bragging, I just keep quiet and I fo AFK ( Away From Keyboard)

I can go on and on listing the things we fight about or the hate we feel whenever we fight but you know, in a strong and intimate relationship, there are times when it is really hard to deal with your partner. But what’s important is that you still want to be with each other. And that you still love one another. That at the end of the day, when all is said and done, you still see a bright future together.

I may not have it listed above but my idiosyncracies are what’s keeping us from living just a simple life. I don’t know and I can’t fight it during my PMS. I am just so lucky that the man I am in a relationship with is patient and kind.

Ow. By the way, I am blogging this because it is our 16th monthsary. I am expecting more petty fights in the future but I always trust and believe that the love we have for each other is more than the pride, or more than the hate we can feel towards each other.

Faith. Love. Hope. Future. Cheers!

I can not remember a time when I wasn’t there for him. He is the man that I have always wanted to love. He is strong, so much that he became indestructible. He has walls that I can’t come apart. I can’t even get in. One time, in my solitude, I thought of being his girl. But yet in my solitude, it permits me not. 

What is it with him that I am terrified of him? Why can’t I tell him just how much I adore him? 

He is not a typical guy who would hug you when you are sad. Not the man who would let you touch him when he is mad. He’s not the type of man who adores the simplest things you do. Certainly not the one sorry for his behavior. 

He is romantic in some way. In his own godless way. I cannot tell whether or not he likes me. One day, he’s sweet, the next day, he’s so cold. When he’s near, I can’t look at him. 

When he’s far, I can’t stop thinking about him. He is so much of a man that I have always wanted him to be but he is too selfish at times. Too selfish that he forgets that I, too, have feelings. 

I have forgotten what it’s like to be man-touched. Or be loved. Or be longed for. Or be cared for. He loves mystery so much that he became one (borrowed from Papertowns). I was trying not to care for him, at least for a day, but it’s hard not too. 

How can I not care for him when the word care for me tells me his name?

  

May is a very special month for me. Aside from the fact that this is my birth month, it’s summer too! Pretty amazing huh. So this blog talks about why I was not able to update since I cannot remember the date of my last post. Fast forward to today, I am busy because of few things.

  1. I am a certified business woman now! Yes. I am a business woman now. It’s pretty much related to one thing that I ever loved! Apparels. Yey! I have a new business that’s called Renee’s Closet. It’s formerly known as Dress to Kill but that’s way too overused. I decided to have it named after mine. It’s more of a summer collection. You can check on my Facebook account to see more of it.
  2. I am a weekend warrior at the beach. Thank holy goodness for the weekend rest days! I get to camp at the beach every weekend. Surf. Eat. Read. Sleep. This is an ideal life. So the place I go to is a remote area and the connection is sporadic, I can’t find time to share with you my wonderful experience back there. I will make sure to post pictures soon.
  3. I am reading a lot lately. Sometimes what we need is something that’ll feed our minds and soul. One good thing about the new Blackberry Software Update is that I get to download from amazon.com. That was the reason why I have Our Daily Bread that I, take note, can also set to remind me every end of my shift at work. What a great way to start my day. (My work starts at night and ends in the morning.) I bought 10 new books. I have about 50 eBooks to read. And believe me, this is euphoric and so addicting.

There it goes. These are the things that fill my days. Fill me in with yours.

Before I even start, the title is not original but it tells everything about this blog. There’s this one girl, a very sound girl. Or not. She fell in love with a man ten years elder than her. It was actually an epic love tale. It all started as what they call a whirlwind love affair. The first time they met is not special because they encountered through a friend. Perhaps the timing was wrong. Or they were simply not meant to be.

So i’ll start.

June, 2012

It embarked on with a pen and a tissue. The man was really aggressive but don’t get me amiss. He was a genuinely funny guy. Whenever he talks, I laugh. It was like the first in forever that I ever laughed even in a very feeble joke. He’s not even straining to be funny. I have never thought that day, my life would alter forever. I will not try to explain what happened. But if I can delineate it, clearly, he was the prince who swept me off my feet. It was absolutely magical.

But just like every love story, it came through ups and down until one day, the fairy tale is over. Considerably, it wasn’t even very real to begin with.

Just like that…