Posts Tagged ‘agony’

3:40AM

So I have been awake for 4 hours and I could not get myself to sleep. I am trying not to make amends anymore or maybe stopping from still hoping to rekindle the lost flame. But I always wake up to still feeling there is actually hope.

Should I be basing this on Facebook where he still has me at his “In a relationship with” status? Or him only seeing my messages but no response whatsoever? The fact that he is still reading my messages makes me think that he is still interested in what I have to say.

I am no longer sure of what’s coming ahead of us both. I am not sure eithrr if I can still fight for it. I only wanted him to stay and fight with me. I love him louder and stronger than his demons. I know I am not stopping until he can tell me he does not love me anymore.

Maybe in my next entry, I will write about a man’s pride and what it really does to a relationship.

My God, help me. I need to be strong for the both of us.

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7:30PM

I am scared. I am scared that I will not be able to hold myself together. I am scared to take another step as it may push you away farther. I am scared that if time flies, it’ll be fast I won’t be able to catch you to where you’re headed. I am scared that if I move an inch from where you left me, you won’t find me.

I am sinking though I refused not to. I am drowning though I stepped out of the throbbing water.

I hope you can find you.

When you find you,

Come back to me.

I wish I can find a way to unfeel what I am feeling. When you decided to leave, my whole world fell apart.

5:37PM

I had a conversation with a friend of ours today and knew that it was all planned since Saturday.

You leaving me powerless, defenseless, and senseless..

I can’t find a word to describe it. I wish you’d just burry me.

Burry me.

Burry me to the ground.

I couldn’t be any sadder than that.

11:04PM.

When you decided to leave, it didn’t bother me anymore.

I am now being wise on choosing my battles and it is always best to stay calm and positive despite the challenges and stones being thrown at us.

We may not have the best love story, but ours is remarkable. Which is why it became my favorite.

8:52PM

I really want to know the rules of engagement. I want to know when I will be free from torment.

I am in between feelings of love and hate.

Part of me wants to go on and love him louder than his demons. Part of me wants to just accept that we’re done for good.

I remember a friend, he said:

Acceptance is better than fighting. If you keep putting up with a man who has no intentions on showing his love for you by being the first one to surrender in a fight, you’ll end up getting tired and soon, you will do what he’s doing. Gap will start to grow. Instead of you growing together, you grow apart. Let the man be. Let him go. When he find you in his alone time, he’ll pursue you.

That makes a lot of sense but can you blame a man for trying too hard?

I could never cheat on anyone. It’s the type of mistake and wrong doing that I couldn’t live with. Knowing that you destroyed someone’s trust is bad, but destroying someone’s perspective on love is far worse.

To you,

I know we tend to be vulnerable at times. We are fragile even. It doesn’t change the fact that we can become powerful too.

First, I am sorry that I am hating you as of this writing. Because of you, the man I love has no believe in love and what joy it can bring to our lives. He would not believe in the goodness of having someone taking care of him. He is too mad and too strong. He is capable of not caring at all. He is selfish that it breaks my heart to pieces.

I may not know the reason why you left him. But it turned the man I love to something that gives pain into my chest. I know it isn’t fair to blame you, but you are still the reason why he would not trust again. 

Or maybe not.

I have been thinking about it lately. Maybe, it isn’t because of you that he doesn’t want to love again. Maybe, I am not the one who would make him feel alive again. Maybe, I am not enough for him.

Maybe, he meant well. Maybe, he was just too nice.

I was loving him in silence hoping that he’d wake up one day realizing that he loves me and everything is worth-risking. 

Woman and her child gets attacked for walking thru a black Neighbor hood.. Please watch the video for awareness.

“Woman and her child gets attacked for walking thru a black Neighbor hood… This is some sad shit to see and we wonder why we dnt get respected because of stupid ignorant shit like this. I hope they put her ass under the jail….. And the one’s standing by and laughing just as ignorant #Sad #TheWorldWeLiveIn” Caption of Ivan Jackson‘s Facebook post.

We were at the office when one of my colleague sent me this link. This is unbelievable. Why would we want to fight with one another because of our indifference? Why would someone hate the other because they are not of the same color? Why pretty hurts? Why discrimination seems like a holy grail? What are they up against?

I hope you can share this. Stop discrimination. Stop ignorance. Stop bullying.

There really comes a point in our lives when we feel unpretty. This song by TLC reminded me of those days I was gaga over love. I felt nothing but sadness and emptiness. I was happy, yes. That was no doubt. But what’s underneath when you love someone and you know that you can only love him, not have him? You tell me. My bestie happened to share this message to me. She saw this Facebook post from one of her friends and posted this to my wall. I was teary-eyed after reading this simple, yet relatable message.

Letting go is like pulling a tooth. Once it’s gone, you’re somewhat relieved. But how many times does your tongue roll over that same spot? A few hundred times a day maybe, because there’s something missing but that is also a reminder that it may be gone, at least you don’t have to feel the pain it gives when it was there.

The lyrics of this song’s cool. I can pretty much relate:

My outsides look cool My insides are blue Every time I think I’m through It’s because of you I’ve tried different ways But it’s all the same At the end of the day I have myself to blame I’m just trippin’

Before I even start, the title is not original but it tells everything about this blog. There’s this one girl, a very sound girl. Or not. She fell in love with a man ten years elder than her. It was actually an epic love tale. It all started as what they call a whirlwind love affair. The first time they met is not special because they encountered through a friend. Perhaps the timing was wrong. Or they were simply not meant to be.

So i’ll start.

June, 2012

It embarked on with a pen and a tissue. The man was really aggressive but don’t get me amiss. He was a genuinely funny guy. Whenever he talks, I laugh. It was like the first in forever that I ever laughed even in a very feeble joke. He’s not even straining to be funny. I have never thought that day, my life would alter forever. I will not try to explain what happened. But if I can delineate it, clearly, he was the prince who swept me off my feet. It was absolutely magical.

But just like every love story, it came through ups and down until one day, the fairy tale is over. Considerably, it wasn’t even very real to begin with.

Just like that…

While everyone is asleep and some rejoicing

Some of my countrymen from the South of the Philippine Islands

Are battling to survive,

Fighting for their lives.

This is a song for you.