Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

I can not remember a time when I wasn’t there for him. He is the man that I have always wanted to love. He is strong, so much that he became indestructible. He has walls that I can’t come apart. I can’t even get in. One time, in my solitude, I thought of being his girl. But yet in my solitude, it permits me not. 

What is it with him that I am terrified of him? Why can’t I tell him just how much I adore him? 

He is not a typical guy who would hug you when you are sad. Not the man who would let you touch him when he is mad. He’s not the type of man who adores the simplest things you do. Certainly not the one sorry for his behavior. 

He is romantic in some way. In his own godless way. I cannot tell whether or not he likes me. One day, he’s sweet, the next day, he’s so cold. When he’s near, I can’t look at him. 

When he’s far, I can’t stop thinking about him. He is so much of a man that I have always wanted him to be but he is too selfish at times. Too selfish that he forgets that I, too, have feelings. 

I have forgotten what it’s like to be man-touched. Or be loved. Or be longed for. Or be cared for. He loves mystery so much that he became one (borrowed from Papertowns). I was trying not to care for him, at least for a day, but it’s hard not too. 

How can I not care for him when the word care for me tells me his name?

  

I love life. I have never had a reason to hate it.

I grew up in a changing world.  I am always here and there.

I can’t explain how I can be dependent and independent all the same but that is me.

I love making friends with people but I enjoy my time alone.

I love to hang out in a coffee shop with my notebooks, pen and iPad.

I go shopping alone. I go to church alone. Even when I jog. I prefer to be alone.

It makes me think a lot.  I keep a diary too.

I don’t believe in “Diary is for lonely people..” ( From A Diary of a Nymphomaniac) because I am not.

For me, even if you trust your friend your whole life, they can never be good enough to keep their mouth shut. There are only few who you can trust. But again, not everyone is capable of keeping a secret.

One mistake can totally ruin your everything. Not that I keep secrets a lot about myself.  I am actually an open book. Everyone knows my story. But not every single detail of it.

I remember my teacher in one of our subjects. She discussed about the type of listeners. There’s one “Ambush-er” type of listener. So what they do, they listen and they’ll soon to use the information against you.

I hate those kind of people. I used to be that but then I realized it’s better to keep your mouth shut if you can’t say anything good.

I learned the hard way and I swear I will never be that again. 🙂

I am also a traveler. I actually call myself that because this very journey is traveling in time already. I wander in different places with different faces and I am always open to trying new things out. You will discover a lot about yourself and that’s one good thing about it.

You are a free soul and your capacity will not come to an end.

You just need to figure it out. Ciao 🙂

After a while, I get to talk to my “old friend”.

Surprisingly, he kept our old messages. Even the heartbreaking ones.

I was so harsh and I cannot believe I sent those messages to him. He was so nice and good to me. I didn’t know why we fell apart. (Or I guess I didn’t bother to figure out why.)

I was such a terrible liar. You know you are when it’s not your ( thing) hobby.

I only do it to protect things or people from knowing the truth that will crush them.

If it’s gonna hurt. I’d rather not talk about it. Or I’d lie. What is so wrong with me?

The sad part is, we get to talk about it and I don’t know if it’s the moment of truth or confrontation. Or how do you call a conversation that has something to do with your past relationship? Silly.

I forgot all the things I’ve said to him, probably because none of ’em were true.

Either I was trying to ditch get rid of him, or I was just so paranoid.

If there’s one thing. I will never lie again. I was caught red-handed and I don’t wanna be in the same  spot like that again! Such a terrible feeling.

You know when you really wanna explain yourself to him. But you can’t remember anything. I don’t know what to say! Sucks.

I totally lost it.

But at least he’s happy with his life now.

He wouldn’t have found his “girl” if not because of that or if we had done it differently.

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You know what I hate most about my friend, Mark?

It’s when he ambushes me. He keeps on dragging me to a cozy place like Starbs.

I am like “Great! Here comes the spending much more than what should be moment again!”

I can only hate him so much, you know.
But since he’s the only friend I have. I mean. Closest among all the others. What else can I do?

Am I stuck here?
Lol

I can’t believe I am saying this in blog. But this disturbing thought keeps hunting me.

So I guess I’ll rant. Don’t worry readers. We’re close enough to understand that this is us when we hate each other. He’ll understand.

As a matter of fact, he’s beside me.
And before I publish this, he knows already! 😛

Friend? Nah..

Posted: June 3, 2014 in Random Thoughts
Tags: , , , ,

A fuel on fire.”

That’s what she is.

A fake friend.

And a liar.

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